Yüzeyde ki derin




En derin bagi kendisiyle idi belki. En az kendine yaklasmisti yillar boyu; ve kendi kapilarini en cok actiginda da en cok kendine yaklasmis bulmustu yine kendini. En derin baglar, gorunmeyen bir ariza gibi duran adeta, aksaklik uzerine kuruluydu sanki, icten ice bildigi bir seydi bu aslinda, dusuncenin otesinde. Dusunulmeden de icinde var olanlar yok mudur, ya da dusunerek aslinda icinde var etmediklerin?
Hugo Von Hofmannsthal'in dedigi gibi: "Depth must be hidden. Where? On the surface." - Derini saklamak gerekir. Nerede? Yuzeyde!
Derinleri yuzeydeydi. Diplerde arizalanip da aksamamisti, ne yasarsa yasasin musade etmemisti buna. Baglarini en derinden, yuzeyde kurmustu. Kendine ulastiginda da tipki ulasmadigi zamanlarda oldugu gibi kolay erisilebilirdi bu yuzden onun derinlerine. Insanligin zaaflarini tasimamaya calisirdi, kinlerini tutmaz, derin aksak nefretlerini sulandirirdi yeri gelir... Bulanik da olsa gostermeye calisiyordu simdi bunu bag kurduklarina. 
Anlam veremiyordu, o aslinda 'yokken' , var olanlar hayatlarina bu sekilde nasil da devam edebilmislerdi. Hala nasil da ofkelenip cokca kirici olabiliyorlar, ya da ic alinganliklarinda, yuzeydeki apaydinlik derinligi kacirabiliyorlardi. Gorunmez sandiklari iliski pazarliklari karsisinda nasil akliyorlardi kendilerini; gizliden gizliye  eseledikleri baskalarinin hayatlari, karsilarinda beliriverince nasil siritabiliyorlardi endiseli bakislari icinden. Sonrasi Rilke'nin yazdigi gibi:
"Perhaps many things inside you have been transformed; perhaps somewhere, someplace deep inside your being, you have undergone important changes while you were sad. The only sadnesses that are dangerous and unhealthy are the ones that we carry around in public in order to drown them out with the noise; like diseases that are treated superficially and foolishly, they just withdraw and after a short interval break out again all the more terribly; and gather inside us and are life, are life that is unlived, rejected, lost, life that we can die of. If only it were possible for us to see farther than our knowledge reaches, and even a little beyond the outworks of our presentiment, perhaps we would bear our sadnesses with greater trust than we have in our joys. For they are the moments when something new has entered us, something unknown; our feelings grow mute in shy embarrassment, everything in us withdraws, a silence arises, and the new experience, which no one knows, stands in the midst of it all and says nothing."
Depth must be hidden. Where? On the surface.
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/h/hugovonhof305279.html
Depth must be hidden. Where? On the surface.
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/h/hugovonhof305279.html

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